...my world. Another day where I have not managed to do anything, create anything or barely learned anything. Woke up early, annoyed and frustrated, but forced myself to stay in and finish the book I was reading despite its annoying printing error that made "fl" combination miss from most of its pages. ( Veniss Underground, in case you were interested). Food was a late affair, brought on by the shakes of my body, cramping and excessive headache, some 7 hours after I woke up, at best. It's now about 5 hours since. Since yesterday the movie I started to watch has been waiting on the 1:22:35/2:21:35 time, I have not managed to bring myself to sit still or watch the same thing long enough to continue. It sucks, generally, but I cannot bring myself to stop it, fix idea that I have to complete it. It's now 22 days since I last checked my email and I still have not managed to move it from the other computer. Anxiety and frustration welling up in me, however something is there in the way preventing me from even managing the energy to take action, instead I sit here, browsing the same 5 websites time after time, re-reading the same forum posts again and again, without ever managing anything, all of it just an excuse for doing something rather than sitting in a corner beating my head against the wall, or similar self destructive. The blinders are down and have been for days, the balcony door is closed, air stinks, I stink, cannot manage to shave, shower I do, sitting in the water and feeling my head against the tiles is one of the few moments of solace, but it only lasts until the shakes and restlessness kick in, I cannot bar the thinking or the disappointment with myself for not doing anything, and all the while, the frustration and anxiety wells up, threatening to take over, make me destroy whatever I hold in my hands at the time.
I reload the page, stare at the paused timer on the video, and read the first posts againe.