Date

Well,  that's the lovely feeling that I have now, I think. Generalised anxiety, and stress.  Talking it over made it seem all the more real, so writing it out might be an idea as well.   Anxiety disorder.   I don't talk about it much, do I?  Then again, I don't talk much about what goes on in my head with anyone. Not even with my therapist.

Which isn't that strange, I'm a product of the upbringing that anxiety is just "imagination" and "get a hold of yourself" is the only cure. That "depression" was something you caught like a yeast infection, from the bad music, bad friends, simply bad influences.  That it would be cured with a change of environment.  That if you just tried harder, it'd go away.

It took me a long time to get over that notion.   I still haven't.  Not in my own head. It requires me to sit down and function rationally for me to realise that I can't function rationally.

When I close my eyes I have absurd flashbacks from old computer roleplaying games. I don't sleep well, because I feel a stress that I need to sleep soon.  I don't get things done, because the overwhelming need to do things is consuming my every moment, the effort of not running to the kitchen and beating the wall because it's a good idea is overwhelming all kind of rationality in function that I could have.

So, how am I coping?   Not well.

And what do I do about it?  currently. Nothing. It's the only thing I can do. I have a slight idea. I have a slight plan.

But I am afraid that if I flesh it out more, the guilt that I haven't done it yet will be greater than the guilt I feel right now, and...    The fear consumes my thinking.

Vicious circle.

Here, have some pills. They will shut off your brain.

Life is much easier without your brain.