Date
  • “Good morning”
    * “Morning, at least”
    Well, that’s how it usually goes for me.
    --

I woke up this morning. I’m quite convinced it was morning because I was awake, but that doesn’t make sense, does it? My face was icy cold, my hands stiff, cramped and locked down beneath me. As I tried to turn around, behind me; to see what that thing behind me was, I realised I could not move a muscle. I was trapped, my body cold as porcelain beneath covers, I could feel my heart beating in my chest, my lungs were contracting for ages, attempting to get the air either way without success. I became more and more aware that there was something behind me, it was there, I just could not turn to see it.
That was the worst. Being unable to move around to see it, being unable to move.

Eventually the feeling let off and I woke up again. Broke down, went up, glass of hot water, trying to shake the chills and quivers from my body. Hitting my toe on the mess in the hallway was a good thing, I felt alive, and the pain was immediate, something to focus on. It made me remember the feeling of fire against skin, and how it can be used to control anxiety-attacks when nothing else is at hand.

Tonight was worse than it usually is for me. Let’s talk some more openly about it. As of the last couple of weeks my sleeping pattern has been shot completely to hell. It’s not that I’m not tired, I’m always tired and unfocused because of sleeplessness. It’s the chronic anxiety keeping my heart rate running too high, the moment I try to lie down, I feel the beating, clutching at the inside of my chest, grabbing hold, my veins contract, feeling of cold liquid pushed down into my arms as I squirm, unknowing, unable to do anything about it. The panic sets in and within seconds I’m coated in cold sweat, calves cramped because my toes curl up and attempt to hide beneath the soles of my feet.

Pills help. If you call “numbing” for help. I squirm less, think slowly and do not have the time to react before I pass out, however, even for that to work I need to be somewhat exhausted.

This isn’t all new for me. It’s more intense as of the last weeks, but that is because certain bureaucrats decided that it was better to make my life uncertain living hell than to have improvement. I admit because of this I haven’t been functioning properly neither at home, nor at work. I’ve had to call in sick because I haven’t slept; because I’m in an emotional state where nothing makes sense and I’m not coherent, where emotions make me unable to think straight for long. It has to change, but right now I’m unable to do anything about it.

A month ago I was functioning better than I had in a long time, I was more stable, somewhat regular, slept decently and most importantly, I functioned. Now, not so much. Because of this situation I feel as if I’m unable to do my real job properly as well. A month or two ago and I was breaking my own expectations, and now I can barely keep even. My home is deteriorating, and nothing seems to work. I feel helpless and caught in the maelstrom. Logic and reality has nothing to do with it.