Date

It doesn't work right now.   My head is mush, shortterm memory is burned to dust.  Sleep, what is that?

Anxiety since several days over this, passive and active. Culminating this night and morning and I couldn't sleep, Took half a dose of sleepingpills near 4 am, and didn't work out, calmed down some, but couldn't pass out asleep.   Slept finally to the soothing sight of snowfall,   dawn was past, 7ish am, watching the cars outside coated in white fluff of chill.  Woke up, confused out of my mind, head in mush state, eyes unable to locate themselves or the surrounding in the fog that was reality,  The telephone was beep beep beeping and I could not figure out how to make it not so.

Crawl to the hallway, and stumble into the shower, I think I lost an hour there, hot water soothing my head and body, before I ended up in the kitchen, greasy breakfast, and a slow-pour coffee that would kill if it got the chance,  drown it down with orange juice and then the rest, anxiety kicking in as soon as time approaches "leave the door", phonecalls that make me shiver and curl up in my armchair. I hate social events.  Benzodiazipines to manage the shakes,  and something to curl the edge of the serrated blade that is buried in my frontal lobes, the headache that only got worse with the light, the throbbing of my pulse in  the back of my eyes.

Out, car, confusion, balance didn't work properly, and the icy slush that was all that remained of the mornings pure snowfall did nothing to help my mood. Sit down, be social,  watch the angry eyes around the room, the hostile "It's  just him, go on and bark, he deserves it" from my grandmother to my uncle. He's not very well liked, and for quite good reasons. I'd avoid him if I could, most days I can.   The feigned smiles and social tensions. My family doesn't like eachother, and just spend the time on platitudes. Discussing such things as washing-machines.  It's about the only subject that is safe, and even then you manage to hear raised voices.

I escape with the dog into a corner of the couch,  barely managing to remember what I am, or why I am there. I collapse inside, feeling the shudder of anxiety break through the drugged haze that is my so called conciousness. My eyes glazing over, unable to focus or see clearly,  the drunken haze of mornings with no sleep, bright lights that bury deep into your brain.  I want away, finally I gather up the strength to grab the dog and leave, I fail to stand up, ending up supporting myself on the dogs neck, and then stumble out of the room.      Looks of pity on people as I bid farewell and leave.

I hate all this. I hate feeling like this to manage the events. I hate the bitter and sarcastic aggressive comments I get that I haven't stayed longer, or didn't show up the last time.  Especially since I like the old lady.  The rest can go do things for all I care.

Headache, no, Migraine now.  Eeery BEEEEP inside my head,  light is serrated blades buried deep into my cortex, my eyes don't focus coherently, they work on their own.  There's acid in my eyelids, hurts to close them, hurts to open them.  I cannot think clearly.

I hate you all.