Stress. Anxiety. Panic. Lifting my head was a chore this morning, stressed out over a doc's appointment. Anxiety messed my head up, couldn't drink the coffee in the cup ahead of me. The toast and cheese turned yellow, couldn't eat it. Made new. Rinse. Repeat.
Third try and I actually managed to get something solid inside me, it didn't stop the shaking though, but I couldn't consume more, couldn't bring myself to swallow it.
Day went, pushing ahead. Managed to put the phonecall in to order a new appointment for my hands (They ache constantly, have been really bad the last few days. I'm worried enough that I feel I need painkillers daily. Not good. ) ended up with them saying they'd call me back at 16. I had another doc's appointment at 15.
Stress on. Managed. Argh. Met a new doctor again, told him how things have been the last few months, that I'm not doing much, that I have an eating disorder. Apathetic. Depressed. Not going out, not talking much to people. Barely managing myself. He nodded and said the right things and took some notes. We talked about my medical history, and he concluded he was able to offer me pills, but since the past, and since he couldn't guarantee a proper followup, he wouldn't. Hat off to that. He suggested a day-group focused around a dietist and so on, might work, something to do.
I want to exercise, but I can't make myself.
He said he'd write the appropiate papers and so on. Good.
They called back about my hands. Sorry, call again beginning of next week. Yargh. Getting help to procure food right now,I know I'll need to eat something, but what. What can I make myself eat? argh. Bad notion that I'd rather cut myself than make food, I really need to break this mental state.
We are just sketches of men
Caught in a wicked vortex
Where tertium non datur
Between being god
Or being damned
And thus I end it as:
Non tantum tertium sed quartum et quintum
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Well, the best way to eat is to pick what you love to eat. Second-best way to eat is to eat with company, and a third.. have food around all the time, and eat when distracted? I wouldn't know what'd work for you, but good luck with it.
You're a tough one, Spider, you did today and you're taking care - that's good to hear.
Tough? Maybe. Stubborn. Yes.
I don't want to get into the habit of distraction-eating because it would be far too hard to kick afterwards, and also invites to unhealthy food patterns, which would in the short/long run just damage me even more.
What I love to eat give the same response as the others, and gets me just as hard to prepare/bring myself to fix up.
Company would work, but its hard, since I don't want to be a "burden" on others, and I do not generally have energy for social interactions on that level.
Thankyou for your kind(?) words.
So when do we eat? :)
I'm here. Drop a note on ICQ or Jabber... or SMS for that matter. I'm going to make pasta salad later today. You're welcome to join me if you can handle the mess around here. I know anxiety says that you're being a problem, but you know as well as I do that it isn't how it works.
Besides that, if you need help getting out to something, I'm available. I'm pretty stable now, it seems, so I might as well be of use to someone. ;)
Hang in there, sibling.
Oh, and one more thing - listen to Killing Joke's "The House That Pain Built".